The distinction between discernment and judgment shapes our interactions and well-being across life’s many domains, from personal relationships to public discourse.
By exploring real-life stories, we can see how choosing discernment over judgment fosters healthier outcomes and wiser choices.
The concept of discernment—evaluating situations or behaviors with clarity and compassion without condemnation—contrasts with judgment, which often involves a conclusive verdict or punitive stance. Below are stories illustrating how discernment and judgment play out in marriages, raising children, the workplace, church, and political rhetoric, followed by an analysis of their effects on mental health, peace of mind, safety, confidence, and decision-making.
1. Marriages
Story: Discernment in Action
Emma notices her spouse, Liam, has been distant, spending evenings on his phone rather than engaging with her. Instead of assuming he’s neglectful or doesn’t care, Emma practices discernment. She reflects on possible stressors—work pressure, perhaps?—and gently asks, “I’ve noticed you seem preoccupied lately; is everything okay?” Liam opens up about a looming deadline, and they plan a weekend to reconnect. Their bond strengthens through understanding.
Story: Judgment’s Consequences
Contrastingly, Sarah assumes her husband, Mark, is “lazy” when he forgets household chores. She snaps, “You never help around here; you’re just selfish!” Mark feels attacked, withdraws, and their communication breaks down, leading to resentment and frequent arguments.
Impact: Discernment fosters empathy and dialogue in marriages, enhancing peace of mind and confidence in resolving conflicts. Judgment erodes trust, heightens stress, and undermines mental health by fueling resentment, reducing safety in emotional vulnerability, and clouding decision-making with defensiveness.
When I first startedthe Sarah’s Tent community, it was at the very beginning of the Internet. We were not familiar with spammers and the lies they send by emails. During one of our chats, one of the women complained about the emails she was finding that said her husband was watching porn. Turns out – it was a phishing email full of lies. Judgment was quick. I wonder how that worked out …
2. Raising Children
Story: Discernment in Parenting
When 10-year-old Ava’s grades slip, her father, James, discerns she might be struggling. Instead of scolding, he observes her mood and asks about school. Ava admits to bullying, and James works with her teacher to address it, boosting Ava’s confidence.
Story: Judgment’s Harm
Meanwhile, Maria labels her son, Ethan, as “disobedient” when he talks back. She grounds him without discussion, saying, “You’re always causing trouble!” Ethan feels misunderstood, his self-esteem drops, and he becomes more defiant.
Impact: Discernment in parenting builds a child’s confidence and sense of safety, promoting mental health and clear decision-making for both parent and child. Judgment creates fear and rebellion, reducing peace of mind, undermining safety in trust, and complicating parental decisions with guilt or rigidity.
Instead of yelling and disciplining her young daughter who was having an emotional outburst, my daughter asked her if she was having a “Melt-down” The daughter tearfully nodded her head yes. My daughter then asked, “Do you need a hug?” My daughter then gathered her up and helped her little girl calm down, then spoke to her what to do when she felt overwhelmed. She taught her to breathe slowly and to give herself a moment. That’s discernment! (I don’t know where she learned to do that, because my knee-jerk reaction would have been one of judgment. Ahem.)
3. Workplace
Story: Discernment at Work
At a marketing firm, Priya notices her colleague, Sam, missing deadlines. Instead of reporting him as “unreliable,” she discerns he might be overwhelmed. She offers to help prioritize tasks, learning Sam’s mother is ill. Their collaboration improves, and the team thrives.
Story: Judgment’s Fallout
In contrast, Tom labels his coworker, Lisa, as “incompetent” when she makes a presentation error. He complains to their boss, who reprimands Lisa. Feeling humiliated, Lisa disengages, and team morale suffers.
Impact: Discernment in the workplace fosters collaboration, enhancing mental health, peace of mind, and confidence in teamwork. It creates a safe environment for growth and supports clear decision-making. Judgment breeds hostility, reduces safety in professional relationships, and impairs mental health and decision-making due to stress and mistrust.
An employee was promoted to front desk because of her hard work and being forward thinking and creative in her production at a printing company here in Denver. Her work was highly praised and as a reward, she found herself sitting behind a desk greeting customers. The days were long and slow, and the employee started to lose her enthusiasm for the company. The manager fired her because he judged her as incompetant. His lack of discernment that she was happier working in the back caused him to lose an excellent employee.
4. Church
Story: Discernment in Faith Communities
At a church, Rachel sees a new member, David, skip Bible study. Instead of assuming he’s “not committed,” she discerns he might feel shy. She invites him for coffee, learning he works night shifts. Rachel organizes a flexible study group, and David feels welcomed.
Story: Judgment’s Division
Conversely, Paul overhears a congregant, Anna, question a sermon and calls her “unfaithful” in a meeting. Anna feels alienated, stops attending, and the church loses a thoughtful voice.
Impact: Discernment in church builds community, enhancing peace of mind, mental health, and confidence in shared faith. It ensures safety in spiritual expression and supports inclusive decisions. Judgment fosters exclusion, reduces safety in belonging, and harms mental health, clouding decisions with fear of criticism.
A pastor I know was elated when a wealthy businessman joined his church, showering it with generous donations and even funding an all-expenses-paid vacation for the pastor and his wife. But the pastor misused some of the funds, diverting them from their intended purpose. When the businessman sensed something was amiss, the pastor retaliated with baseless accusations. Despite the businessman’s genuine desire to support the ministry with his wisdom, finances, and skills, the pastor accused him of trying to seize control. The fallout was devastating: the businessman was heartbroken, the church fractured, and everything unraveled. Now, who judged who? How valuable was discernment in this situation?
5. Political Rhetoric
Story: Discernment in Discourse
During a town hall, Maya hears a neighbor, John, support a policy she opposes. Instead of dismissing him as “ignorant,” she discerns his perspective might stem from economic concerns. She asks about his views, leading to a respectful debate that clarifies both sides.
Story: Judgment’s Polarization
In contrast, Alex posts on X, calling supporters of a candidate “deluded fools.” His followers pile on, but opponents retaliate with insults. The discourse becomes toxic, deepening division.
Impact: Discernment in political rhetoric promotes understanding, preserving mental health, peace of mind, and confidence in dialogue. It ensures safety in expression and aids reasoned decision-making. Judgment fuels conflict, erodes mental health, reduces safety in public discourse, and impairs decisions by entrenching biases.
This recent political season has taught me more on narcissism, discernment, judgments, and lies than any course I could have taken. Have you been taking notes? One thing is sure – do your research!
Effects on Well-Being and Decision-Making
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Mental Health: Discernment reduces stress by fostering empathy and understanding, while judgment increases anxiety and resentment through conflict and condemnation.
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Peace of Mind: Discernment cultivates calm by focusing on solutions and compassion, whereas judgment disrupts tranquility with blame and division.
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Safety: Discernment creates emotionally and socially safe spaces by valuing others’ perspectives, while judgment threatens safety through criticism and exclusion.
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Confidence: Discernment builds confidence in relationships and choices by encouraging open communication, while judgment undermines it with fear of rejection or error.
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Decision-Making: Discernment supports clear, informed decisions by considering multiple factors, while judgment clouds reasoning with premature conclusions and bias.
Consider this …
Choosing discernment over judgment transforms interactions in marriages, parenting, workplaces, churches, and political arenas. By evaluating without condemning, we foster healthier relationships, safer environments, and wiser decisions, ultimately enhancing our mental health, peace of mind, and confidence. These stories illustrate that discernment is not just a skill but a pathway to greater understanding and harmony.