Periodically, I’ll receive an email from a pastor’s wife that echoes not only my own experiences but those of others who’ve crossed my path during my years in ministry.
This letter is not uncommon for a wife to write, but there are added layers to the pain when it is voiced from a pastor’s wife.
There are additional belief systems that come into play which hold us captive that must be looked at before anything can be done with a relationship that is unhealthy.
Before I continue with my thoughts, I’d like to share this letter. The author’s name has been removed for obvious reasons.
The Letter ...
Hello!
Thought I’d give this a shot… my husband and I have been pastoring together for some time now. We do everything together. My goal is to honor God and support my husband. I’ve given every last drop of myself. I’m tired. I kneel down to pray and I have nothing left, I just weep. I have so much faith for others and I love to pour into others but once it’s time for me there’s nothing left. My husband is the best counselor and motivator I know. He’s always prepared with a word. He’s compassionate and loving. I never bring my burdens to Him cuz I see his first hand. being the leader that I am I can’t go to anyone either… I normally suck it up… I normally cry in my prayer closet… or in the shower… I got to the point where I needed someone to lift me up, so, who so I go to? My husband of course! And what do I get? A rolled eye, a shrugged shoulder and a “just go to bed you’ll be fine in the morning” I thought maybe I’m not clear… so I broke it down for him, I made myself completely vulnerable before him and he was offended and made it about him. So, I gathered myself and walked away. I’m laying in my bed feeling so defeated, so alone. I don’t want to do this anymore. It can’t be God’s will for me to walk alone… but I have no one. I just want to run away or just not wake up tomorrow morning. I can’t hear God right now and I could really just use a great big hug.
The Layers of Captivity ...
I have lived this and survived. It was hard. So hard. I’m going to share in bullet point, the layers of lessons I have learned from this experience. First, a quote from Leslie Vernick.
Leslie Vernick, a well-known author and counselor, has spoken about the concept of “choosing your hard” concerning various aspects of life, including relationships and personal growth. (Be sure to read her response to a similar letter in the link posted to her quote.)
“Healthy Detachment, It is hard. We can do hard. You are doing hard. We are stronger together.”
SOURCE: Leslie Vernick – Is There More Than One Right Answer?
I wish I had heard of Leslie’s ministry when I was still married to my now ex-pastor husband. The loneliness and despair is overwhelming and suffocating. Hopelessness doesn’t even define it, and because of our being in the ministry, it appeared that the coffee lid was nailed shut. All to the glory of God.
What should be obvious is that in ministry settings, it should be understood that none of us are perfect and every single person is limping, bleeding, or bruised in one form or another. BUT … we are humans and our ego loves to get in the way.
As a pastor’s wife, I and my children are expected to be perfect in every area of our lives. The standards that we are held to are high and undefinable, yet assumed. Wait … The standards that we allow others to hold us to … are assumed and even encouraged in subtle ways.
Here’s my bullet list of lessons that I learned:
- The idea of being looked up to and respected as somebody deserving of honor and attention is intoxicating in the role of a leadership person.
- Feeling that one must be the example for all others to follow strokes ego and holds you captive.
- Attempting to live up to unrealistic expectations taps into childhood abuse in unhealthy families.
- Blindness and Gaslighting: The signs were everywhere from the moment we met until our marriage ended 18 years later but I refused to see what they were because I spun my own wishful beliefs by gaslighting myself to reason away what was being experienced, questioning my reality.
- Wishful and Magical Thinking: My filters that came from desiring an idealistic world prevented me from seeing human behaviors and pain. My own pain and the pain of anyone else that I was close to.
- The belief that as a submissive wife, I should keep my mouth shut and do what I was told had my feet and mouth bound in my mind paralyzed from even knowing what I needed or wanted.
- The unspoken competition between others in ministry fostered the fear of being found out, which kept my mouth shut.
- Patterns of Pain: When Sarah’s Tent was an active community in the early days of the Internet, the most common complaint that these pastors’ wives shared was that they were so lonely. Unloving marriages, and unsafe relationships with potential friends who might get inside information on the pastor, kept them alone while they protected their husband’s reputation for him.
- My familiar emotions of fear, condemnation, worthlessness, indecisiveness, and people-pleasing, fed in nicely with the narrative that I was to be a quiet, humble, submissive, Christian wife. Especially … since I was the pastor’s wife.
- Being a martyr was the only way I knew to resolve my role as a scapegoat. This role was given to me by an unhealthy family belief system which set me up perfectly for the role of a pastor’s wife.
- Lack of Empathy: I was completely unaware that there was a lack of empathy towards me. I now see that this is a key element in narcissistic behaviors.
- Personal Investment and Return: I was giving 100% into my marriage the best I knew how but was not receiving that back. Instead, the role of my husband came first. That was more important than anything I might need. It was assumed by me and reinforced by the behaviors and culture of a church family. (I realized that I was willing to cross an ocean for him, but he was unwilling to jump over a puddle for me.)
- I was unaware of the narcissistic belief system that we accepted as normal because no one ever spoke about it. (Becoming educated in what this means was my first step to learning that I had a responsibility to set boundaries and to work on becoming healthy in my mind and my heart.)
- Beginning of the End: As I began to heal in my mind and my heart our marriage became more strained. Eventually, the marriage was over because I was no longer enabling the behaviors that were making this relationship so excruciatingly painful.
- After 18 years, I started to see that what I was experiencing in my marriage had nothing to do with scripture. Love was not kind. It was not patient, it demanded its way, it was .. well … you get the point.
The advice that I gave this woman was to educate herself about what was happening in her marriage. Seeking therapy and asking her husband to participate is an excellent way to gain insights into the dynamics that are playing out. When I asked my husband he replied, “I don’t need help, but you can go.” (a telling remark about his priorities and lack of empathy for his wife.) When I asked him to at least read a book so we could talk about what we read, he agreed to do that – and then lied about his even reading the book at all. Again, a telling motive. This was not a priority – only an annoyance.
Behaviors like this speak volumes, but if we refuse to see them, then they can’t be addressed. We’ll remain victims and captives in lies and falsehoods. (our own, and theirs)
Choose your hard. It may not be leaving a marriage, but in confronting it and pressing in for a healthier way of loving each other.
When I begged my husband to please LISTEN (hear) me … he replied, “No, you listen to me. ALL the men in church say their wives don’t listen to them.” (I didn’t know this then, but know it now. This is typical narcissistic behavior.)
One woman told me later, “You never had a marriage. This is not God’s desire for either of you. This is an endurance test.” and later, “If he isn’t participating – what have you got to work with?”
I can’t tell you what to do. But I can sure share the many resources I’ve come across that have been tremendously helpful in healing my own heart and mind and helping me to recover from the abuse that I never knew I had endured since birth. (Maintaining belief systems we grew up with to keep things “normal” is common and whatever beliefs we were raised with, we continue to protect, no matter what the cost. After all, if my needs didn’t matter as a child, why would they now?”
“We wrestle not with flesh and blood … “
Your husband is not the enemy, nor are you. The belief systems that we cling to that are against god – are the true enemy. We are fighting a war greater than what our ego desires. Dividing and conquering is first and foremost in an enemy’s agenda. Convincing you of lies as truth is also in the plan. Educate yourself!
Start here by watching this video by Diane Langberg
Narcissists can be charming and draw individuals and whole systems in. They often damage others, particularly those who are less powerful. In this talk, we discuss the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality disorder, how a narcissistic leader can impact and shape a system, and some ways to respond.