TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post might cause some emotional, or mental distress as it mentions incest, rape, spiritual abuse, and betrayal.
The journey of an After Pastor is an unexpected, tumultuous, and confusing journey filled with pain, cognitive dissonance, confusion, and loneliness. At least, it was for me.
The “After Pastor” position wasn’t one that either of us signed up for, or had even heard of. Nothing prepared us for what we endured and encountered after the moral failure of our Senior Pastor.
Nearly twenty years ago, my life was profoundly changed and my perception of “Christianity” was challenged beyond anything I’d been prepared for. The truth is … I encountered raw humanity and a population of people who call themselves Believers, who were as ill-prepared for that journey as I was.
What is an After Pastor, you may ask? It’s a term that, interestingly enough, the secretary in my chiropractor’s office told me about. She was Catholic. She saw me often as I came in to see the Doctor with broken spirit and body, and as we got to know each other, she asked me if I had heard of that term. I had not. At the time, there was very little on the Internet describing or detailing that term, but according to her, it’s one that the Catholic church termed when a new Priest came in after a previous Priest had been caught in moral failure. The dynamics of taking a congregation full of devastated members was a challenge, and there were delicate, specific issues that were not present in “normal” ministry.
What I learned was that in a church setting, where people come to worship God and receive love in a community of Believers who are seeking God also, is that they come with certain expectations and needs. All are from various backgrounds and carry a wide range of wounds in their spirits and hearts. Here, they could find safety and solace. They put every last ounce of faith into the hands of the man standing on the pulpit who has committed to “serving” them and leading them in the journey of healing and spiritual renewal. Their guards are down, and many, already programmed by abuse in their childhoods, do what they are told, and trust without question.
Blindsided by Betrayal
It’s like a child trusting their Dad to protect and provide for them, and in the most intimate of settings, he violates them in the night in the worst of ways. They are now deeply conflicted with their love for their Dad but have been forever changed by his callous behavior against them.
When the Dad leaves the home or is arrested or confronted with his incest, the child grieves the loss of their father, yet is left with emotions so deep and complex that few understand their pain. If Mom marries again, the new man in the position of father becomes a target for the violated child’s anger, distrust, pain, and grief. They have no relationship with the new man in charge, and even though he didn’t do anything to them, and is loving and protective, all of their horrific experiences and emotions are turned towards the surrogate father – and he becomes the scapegoat for the betrayal the father inflicted upon his children. By doing this, the children are free to love their dad, whom they deeply miss, and in a weird twist of reasoning, they feel that through the perpetrator the violation of the father is being punished – because they now have an outlet for their pain.
Naively believing that ministry would continue as before, and as though nothing had happened is one of the most ineffective responses anyone can have after a congregation experiences spiritual betrayal to this degree.
When speaking to Marilyn Vanderbur, Former Miss America and Author of “Miss America By Day“ where she reveals her horrific childhood of the nightly rapes by her father, she said to me that what I was describing is exactly what families and children recovering from incestuous abuse feel towards the Step Father’s who enter into their lives.
Cognitive Dissonance
Rumors, threats, resistance, mutiny, and betrayal by long-trusted friends made no sense as to why people were behaving as if somehow, we were the enemies, completely blind-sided us.
The agony of the members got so bad that due to the gossip mill, someone who didn’t even attend our church became super charged up with a drive for revenge against us – because of what she’d experienced in a different church setting. Long story short, our Daycare teacher called me early one morning and said that this woman had come in with a gun looking for me and then had left when she saw that I wasn’t there yet!
On the way to the church, I called the police who met me at the office and began to take the report. This woman called at that moment to see if I was in my office, and the policeman picked up the phone instead of me. He told her who he was, and threatened that if she came back, she would be arrested. We never heard or saw her again after that.
Collateral Damage
My marriage did not survive this nightmarish season, nor were we able to keep our home through the financial strain. My whole life and the lives of our children completely fell apart – along with the devastation that each member felt at the collapse of what we thought was a “healthy” church. The bizarre behaviors expressed in that season will stay with me for the rest of my life. It is what fuels me to find answers and to share what I’ve learned. Truly, hurt people – hurt people.
Reaching out to our ministry organization who was supposed to be “covering” us, and other pastors who said they’d be there for us when we became senior pastors, evaporated like the morning fog. Nobody had answers for the chaos and anger that followed the exit of the previous senior pastor.
So, what happened? Was it the devil attacking our church? Were we truly the cause of everyone’s pain? Why didn’t my marriage withstand such a hard season of time? Why was it so devastating to so many?
In short, the issue has to do with hidden trauma. Trauma is a big buzzword right now, but the truth is, it’s long overdue to be talked about. Not talking about it set us all up for failure.
“Trauma is not what happened to you … it’s what happened inside of you because of what happened to you.”
Whether it is childhood adversity that sets the foundation for Complex PTSD or a sudden event that creates PTSD, a high majority of people who come to church are walking in your doors with something you can’t see, and they may not even know about it. Add to that, the Narcissistic System that supports the silence of those who might speak out while maintaining the status and superior positioning of one individual over many who are convinced they are “special and unique” is behind the constant turmoil seen in churches all across our country.
What Needs to be Done?
For those Readers who wonder why I write the types of blog posts I do, this is why. Twenty years of research, healing, recovery, and listening to others’ painful stories. There is a huge need for us to bring to light what has been hidden in the dark for so long.
This isn’t about evil people, “We wrestle not against flesh and blood …”
This is about belief systems that prevent us from addressing root issues, repenting, or seeing how the enemy is truly working against us by distracting God’s children to focus on naming and blaming, rather than loving and encouraging one another towards repentance.
Many moments, conversations, and events have crossed my mind as I’m writing this, and it’s been a struggle not to get lost in the “weeds” of those stories, as important as they are. My original question was, and is, “Have you heard the term After Pastor?” Now you have, and now you have heard of what an After Pastor experiences in that role.
If anything has hit a nerve in you and you’d like to talk more about this bewildering and difficult journey, email me. I’ve been silent enough as I’ve worked through my healing and after spending twenty years on research, I may be able to shed some much-needed light on something others don’t want to see, let alone talk about.
This isn’t a denominational issue, a doctrinal issue, or an issue of focusing on demonic forces out to get those who are righteous. It’s about our responsibility to learn, heal, and help others to find a closer walk with God – and with others.
"A Journey Shared is More than Surviving ... it's Thriving"
Are you or someone you know, experiencing this challenging journey of becoming an “After Pastor”? Are you interested in learning more about this? Please say more in the comments below.