Have you ever wondered why it seems like women fall too often for the assumption that they need a man to be complete?
(No, this isn’t some feminist rant). Time and time again, I’ve seen single women who are attempting to pursue careers that yearn to be married, and then give up the very career that they were pursuing so that they can raise a family.
Yes, I realize that first paragraph is explosive, and invites all kinds of comments about feminism, sexuality, independence, etc. But for the sake of this post, I’m going to share with you an email that wrote to a young woman who asked me for a few thoughts on this matter. Her frustration over knowing what career to choose, while she wrestled with hoping that she would fall in love and get married, was conflicting with so many things in her life, that she wasn’t quite sure which choices to make, and the last thing she wanted, was to be double minded.
I’ve added the scripture references for your benefit, and have changed some of the conversation for her privacy. This discussion is important for all women (and men) to understand – because it is the foundation of our DNA, and what drives us. (Her name has been changed as well, to protect her identity.)
Hi Elisa,
Here’s the biggest insight that I see while reading your email. At this stage of the game in your life, you, like most young women have that blasted struggle with desperately wanting to be loved, protected and provided for by a man, yet are being pressed with the necessity of needing to find an identity and a life path.
This drive to have a man in your life is actually rooted in the Genesis curse that God spoke to Eve about when He said, “And you shall desire your husband”. (Genesis 3:6)
When I asked God about why that was such a big curse – because Adam was cursed to work by the sweat of his brow – I received this revelation….
When God created Adam, He empowered Him by HIS glory and HIS power to rule over the Earth. It was Adams job (and the nature he was created with) to be the provider and the protector.
When God created Eve, He created her also in His image … that part of Him which is nurturing and reproduces. She too was empowered by God to do what she was created to do on this Earth.
But when they sinned, God’s empowerment and glory was stripped from them – leaving them naked and exposed with only their own natures to DRIVE them.
The curse was not God’s punishment … it was the harvest for what had been done. Their natures would still be to protect and to create. God cursed the ground for Adams sake to protect Adam. Because Adam would have unleashed all sorts of hell on the Earth with just his words alone, and God had to slow that down. Adam would have to struggle to provide and rule – which is man’s curse. They are always driven to compete and to provide and “make something” of themselves.
For Eve, who was created to be Mother… she would desire Adam, her husband, like a drug … like a desperate addiction, because her body would crave his seed and his attention. She would feel as though she were never complete unless she had a man to complete her and give her seed. Her drive was not to make “something of herself” as though she were the head of the house, her drive was to be completed by a man.
Both curses drive and torment us from the moment we are born, to the day we die. Our own natures drive us every moment of the day.
Jesus became the curse for you … He took it all and made a way for you to move beyond that curse. (Galatians 3:13)
Meaning that there is relief and refuge in HIM (not in riches and wealth, or in being married and being loved by a man) … there is relief for us, as we draw closer to Him. (Matthew 6:33)
The struggle with sin drives us to do what our natures demand – with or without God.
God gives us wisdom, heals our broken hearts and loves us more than we can possibly know … if we will run to him.
You can know for sure also, that our minds are an enemy of God. (Romans 8:7) Our minds reason things away, and create the stories we want to believe. But as long as we are broken, we will only attract the same level of brokenness in other human beings. Whether they be work associates, friends, or lovers. We want the ideal and will create the fantasy in our mind to convince us to fulfill those needs – no matter what. (hence addictions such as drugs, sex, food, shopping, etc.) Those addictions are an attempt to fill a God hole that can only be filled by God.
God desires us to experience His best in all things. (James 1:17) He has only good planned for us. (Jeremiah 29:11) It is we ourselves that make life hard. And just as Satan tempted Eve and Adam in the garden (Adam was with Eve and was already NOT DOING what God had created him to do, in that he was not protecting Eve from Satan, and then only blamed her for his troubles, but he also chose to eat of that apple)
Satan is the father of lies. (John 8:44) If we do not fully comprehend that, we will believe anything …
We are told in scripture that we will “know them by their fruits”. (Matthew 7:16-20) We can know something by the fruit it produces. Life, or death. Guilt and condemnation, or life and freedom.
When we seek HIM … with all our hearts, our souls, our minds … and cast down those blasted imaginations that seek to rise up bigger than God in our minds, then we will receive what we so desperately need in healing, wisdom, provision, abundance … AND in love.
Brokenness attracts brokenness.
If you already know and recognize that you are broken, and you are seeking a relationship with someone else, notice that chances are – they too are broke. We create stories in our minds to talk ourselves out of seeing the red flags of their brokenness, because it strokes our egos and makes us feel better than … while giving us false hope that they will be what we need in our lives. We fall head over heals in love with a fantasy, never truly seeing the man for who he truly is.
This is unfair to the man, AND it is unfair and a serious set up for us. (rest assured, that he will be doing the same thing in regards to you)
I read a really great quote recently on Facebook. “We marry three people. Who we want them to be, who they really are, and who they become because they married us.”
“We marry three people. Who we want them to be, who they really are, and who they become because they married us.”
It’s a struggle to fight against our sinful natures and to find the WHY for our being on this planet
(which helps us to make decisions like what you are making now, as far as what to study in school and what to do for the rest of your life.)
But if you can understand that battle, then you can fight it where you need to fight it – in your mind and in your heart, knowing that the drunkenness of love that you feel when that man is in your sight is based upon a lie … a fantasy to hook you. It will always be there, no matter what, because our bodies and our whole being is triggered that way. You can enjoy it … just don’t believe it. Look for the fruit. (love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, gentleness … SELF CONTROL, etc.)
A Godly man who matches your whole and healthy being (if you do this) will not compromise you or risk you. He will protect you, body, soul and spirit. You will know that you are safe, and loved.
…… I say all of that … as a response to your thoughts, and what I’ve learned, as a woman myself, now single, now at the Autumn of my life … just now getting it.
Scripture says, “God is not mocked (don’t take him for a fool) … WHATEVER you sow, that will you also reap.” (Galatians 6:7)
Good, or bad…. healing or brokenness ….judgment or discernment … foolishness or wisdom. We choose our own harvest. (Proverbs 18:21)
Seek to be whole and to love yourself so completely that there is no question in your mind about what type of man you want to join yourself together with. Know what moves you in life, and why you are going to school (not just for school loans, instant money, status or acceptance of shallow people.) Equip yourself properly to live the life you dream of … with the man of your dreams.
Whole, healthy, passionately, intelligently and with wisdom.
Ask God to give you wisdom and understanding. (James 1:5) Ask Him to open your eyes so that you can see what He sees, hear what He hears, love what He loves.
When you do that, and as you receive your healing, you will find the man God intends for you – because he too will be on that path … of seeking wisdom and knowing the Father’s heart.
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