WARNING! Rough Road Ahead ...
After proving to myself I could keep up with my writing goals and finally speak, I published the first of several posts I’d like to share regarding my time as “After Pastor”. It’s been twenty years of healing and recovering to speak and share what I learned.
Wouldn’t you know it, the day it was published Microsoft pushed an update that wiped out the audio in both of my computers.
That left me unable to conduct my Zoom meetings. At the same time, my Internet provider determined that my personal websites were to be blocked, and I was completely unable to work on any of them! After hours spent on customer service – nothing has been resolved. Even though I was told things would resolve within three days.
There was a time when I would have righteously concluded that the “devil didn’t want me speaking my truth” and I’d have seen that as an attack against my faith. However, my growth and healing have shown that this world is not perfect and many layers of things could have gone wrong simultaneously to create such a frustrating couple of weeks.
Oh yeah … our apartment complex has been repaving the parking lot for a few weeks now, meaning that everyone has to find a parking space out on the street. A challenge to anyone using a cane as I am, and hauling my work with me.
Instead of going the ‘victim route’ as I was quite tempted to do, I decided to listen to that still, small voice inside of me and learn what triggers and stories I might tell myself during the two weeks my computers were out of commission.
Of all the lessons I’ve learned
through the bizarre events
experienced in our church
and family crisis, it’s this…
NOTICE!
Notice my thoughts, feelings, emotional state, physical responses, behaviors, choices, and the stories I instantly place upon the events that are inevitably going to happen in our lives.
It was disappointing that I wasn’t able to consistently write blog posts. It was important to prove to myself that I could, and if anyone might find anything of benefit, that would be wonderful. Letting go of the unrealistic expectation of being perfect is another lesson. Redeeming the time by leaning into noticing how I’m navigating the obstacles that happened all at once, nearly became a game I chose to play. I’ve already learned what the difference is between being victimized and taking on the identity of a victim (which takes time, by the way) … now I get to practice the new and improved version of me.
By noticing my frustrations over events beyond my control, I have the opportunity to explore my options in problem-solving overtaking me as a victim and whining about how much the devil wants to silence me because my voice is so powerful. (yes, there’s a bit of sarcasm there, which you may or may not recognize.)
The enemy wants us powerless with the default beliefs.
We eagerly embrace these beliefs because they stroke the ego. “I’m so holy that I have to be silenced”
If I do not throw down those worthless (vain) thoughts that become larger than God’s answers, I am effectively put out of commission.
Instead, I spent my time investigating and learning about the issues that were caused in my laptop and spent five visits to the Geek Squad, getting to know them by name.
I stayed in a place of noticing and amused myself when I did well with navigating an emotion – and when I slipped and had an opportunity to reframe my failure as a part of learning, not being worthless. (another vain imagination).
The parking lot is finally paved and looking nice. I upgraded my phone’s hotspot to bypass my regular internet provider to buy time to solve that problem while not focusing on it over everything else.
If I had known how to do this simple thing – notice – my outcome would have been entirely different.
However … that is life, isn’t it? There will always be roadblocks and challenges in life’s journey. We can’t afford to fall asleep at the wheel!
Oh, and of the writing of this blog post, not everything has been fixed. I’m using Plan B, C, D, and any others that I need to in order to meet the goals before me.
Next week I’ll post another blog on our journey to becoming After Pastors and the high alert we reasoned away when we did not listen to that “still, small voice.”